Reinforced by you – his wife

“Male and female He created them.”

Different. Not the same. On Purpose. Why are we so often surprised by this? Especially when it comes to parenting!

We know, as Christians, that children have a father and a mother – by God’s design…and yet we sometimes try to shape our husband into being another mother!

Women tend to be quiet, soft, nurturing, loving, affectionate, compassionate, sensitive, emotional and empathetic. Men, whilst loving and caring, are generally strong, firm, more direct, a bit louder, more objective and less gentle.

Knowing God doesn’t do anything accidentally, we trust that these differences must be the perfect balance that our sons and daughters require to be well balanced, functioning adults. And yet, as mothers we so often undermine the role of the father in the life of their child.

The unconscious undermining of fathers

Fathers do things differently to the way mothers do them. The way they play with, dress, feed or engage with their children is not how we, mothers, do it. We might do a puzzle with our children, or play with play dough with them. Their dad will wrestle, tickle, and rough house with the children. It’s noisier, messier and someone might get hurt! We might put clothes on our babies and toddlers a certain way, and dad does it in the opposite way – more roughly than we might and possibly backwards from how we might do it (and it might not match!). We might talk gently, teaching and guiding and dad might tease and joke or give commands sternly.

Our need to be in control, along with the prideful view that we know best (and know our children best) comes out in over protective, controlling behaviours.

Overprotective, controlling behaviours to watch out for:

When we watch our husband with our children and –

• sigh
• roll our eyes
• click our tongue
• comment on a better way to do it (it’s better if you put their arms in first)
• correct (that’s not how you run the bathwater)
• criticise (he’s just a child – you can’t expect him to put his own socks on!)
• take over (here, let me do it)
• override what he does or says (Daddy doesn’t know how we get ready for bed…brush your teeth before you get the story book)
• contradict (don’t listen to Daddy, just get in the bath)

The effect of these behaviours on a dad

Our husbands have been created to be strong leaders of their families. But men are more sensitive than we realise. They need us, as wives to uplift them with our respect, support and admiration. When these things are missing, we can lead our men away from God’s design from them…just as Adam was so easily led astray by Eve.

¹⁷ Then to Adam [God] said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree about which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat from it’; Cursed is the ground because of you; In toil you will eat of it All the days of your life. 

Genesis 3:17

If our husbands feel disrespected, disregarded and undermined, they quickly lose confidence and, feeling inadequate, even emasculated- they will withdraw. (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs unpacks Ephesians 5:33 in his excellent book “Love and Respect” https://www.loveandrespect.com. Well worth reading, if you haven’t already)

Our prideful, thoughtless actions have interfered with our husbands relationship with his children. He is so wary of being corrected, chided or belittled that it is far safer to stay away from the children and remain unengaged.

Our behaviour has disabled our husband’s ability to fulfil the role of father to which The Lord has called him. We are meddling in God’s plan.

^{Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.}

Ephesians 6:4

The withdrawal of a husband can sometimes lead to a treacherous circle, where we as wives try desperately to re engage them. Our means of engagement are unfortunately not always constructive. Often they involve more criticism or attempts to control. We can honestly sometimes become so desperate at the ever widening distance between us, that we just about hunt our husbands down and slay them, with our sharp tongues and disrespectful tones. This only causes our husbands to withdraw further or even become angry. All to the detriment of our relationship with them and their relationship with their children.

“I can’t get my husband to do anything with the children”

Have you heard this comment before? Or : “You are lucky to have a husband who helps with the kids, mine doesn’t help with them at all.”

The chances are that this mother has completely forgotten her comments when little son was 2 weeks old, or her criticism when he was 6 months of age. But her husband, with his fragile ego, has not forgotten, and is not going to put himself in that dangerous territory once more. It’s safer to keep away.

Discipline and our desire to protect

⁴ He must manage his own family well, having children who respect and obey him. 

1 Timothy 3:4 NLT

Through a healthy relationship with their father, our children learn to respect him (and authority). This translates into the essential “fear” (awe and reverence) of their Heavenly Father.

The fear of The Lord is the beginning of all wisdom

Proverbs 9:10

As our children get older, discipline issues usually get more complicated. We feel fine to discipline our children ourselves, but become very defensive and protective when Dad steps in, feeling he will cause harm. It is a terrible thing, when in front of a more mature child, mum interferes with Dad’s discipline. We need more of his help as our children get older, not less. Causing him to feel insulted and to withdraw at this stage is a serious mistake, especially when he is responsible for having respectful obedient children, who in turn will learn to show respect for their Heavenly Father through their relationship with him.

(Verbal or physical abuse is NOT what we are talking about here. If you have concerns that what you are witnessing constitutes abuse, you need to seek the guidance of a trusted friend or pastor and act to keep your children safe. A father doing things in a way we may perceive as harsh is different from abuse)

Damaging the father-child relationship:

When we consistently step between father and child, and especially when we seem to be “siding” with child over father, we cause massive rifts within our family. Our love and loyalty for our husband comes before that for our children.Overcoming Overwhelm – Step 2 When this order is overturned, it causes resentment between father and children that is difficult to rectify, and threatens the bond between husband and wife. As a wife, you will regret this deeply. So much suffering comes from a resentful father:child relationship. I learned this the hard way when I constantly stepped in to interfere with discipline between my husband and one of my younger children. The gap it created in their relationship was very sad to see. When praying over it, The Lord revealed the part I had played, and I had to step back and correct my behaviours in order to see the relationship restored. And praise The Lord, it was! It would have been so much easier, though, had I avoided these mistakes to begin with, and that is exactly why I am sharing this revelation with you, dear friend.

How to reinforce my husband

As our husband’s helper, we need to carefully think through setting them up for success with parenting. The Lord has created them to be fathers. We do not need to teach them what to do. They are designed for the role, and we are required to trust in God’s design for fathers, believe the best in our husband, and simply ALLOW them to fulfil their role.

Our wonderful mothering nature can lead us to take over and leave very little space for our husbands to be involved. Look for the doughnut (instead of the hole) Rather than helping by doing more, we help by doing less.

Start at the very beginning

With your brand new baby, step back and encourage your husband to be as involved as you (with the exception of feeding, obviously!) Communicate confidence in his abilities with your willingness to hand baby over. Nothing makes a man feel more capable and sure of himself than knowing his wife believes in him and his abilities. Some mothers find this so hard to do. Pray, and move away or get busy with something else to distract yourself if you must… but train yourself to butt out!

• get dad to change nappies in the hospital as you learn together so that he can continue helping with this at home
• bath time could even be dad’s special responsibility
• allow dad to soothe crying and fussing. They will do it in ways you could not imagine, but are remarkably successful since they can remain calm and baby senses their strength.
• do not interfere with dressing, and allow dad to do it his way.
• don’t interfere with rougher play than you would engage in. Trust your husband’s care for his children, and for the skills they are learning that only he can teach them.

Once Dad is feeling confident and supported by you, he will be willing to have conversations about how you put baby to sleep while he at work, or what outfit you think would be best. But this is fragile territory and a firm trust and support foundation must be set solidly first.

With older children

• resist the temptation to step into a conversation, an admonishment or time of discipline between father and child (verbal or physical abuse is NOT what we are talking about here. If you have concerns that what you are witnessing constitutes abuse, you need to seek the guidance of a trusted friend or pastor and act to keep your children safe. A father doing things in a way we may perceive as harsh is different from abuse)
• never contradict your husband (anything you are concerned about can be discussed after your child’s bedtime)
• show full support for your husband’s interactions/decisions/ comments in front of your children
• encourage your children to respect your husband by never letting them complain to you about him ever. (and it goes without saying to never belittle your husband to your children)
• Never soften what your husband says or how he says it. You may feel he is insensitive or uncompassionate, but you are not God, and you are not your husband’s Holy Spirit. The Lord has designed your husband specifically to be the father of your children. Surrender to Him.
• encourage time for your children to spend with their dad without you
• encourage and praise your husband when you are alone for what a great father he is, and for specific things he does or did that impressed you.

These interactions and choices will build trust in your relationship with your husband. You will be better able to talk about parenting issues and work them out as a team, and seeing a united parental front builds enormous stability in the family, nurturing well balanced, secure children.

What to do if you have messed up?

You are definitely not alone. I have messed this up before. My mistakes have led me to a deeper understanding of how commonly we, as well meaning mothers and wives, make this mistake. The awesome thing is that you are reading this, and with God’s help, can rectify the situation. It’s NEVER too late.

I would start by:

finding an uninterrupted, suitable time to talk to my husband, and explain what I have read and where I realise I have made mistakes.

Communicate strengths you see in his parenting and explain how you intend to do things differently. Ask for forgiveness and pray together. Ask for his grace as you will most likely slip into old habits from time to time. But you are changing your trajectory.

Next, step back, and start to do the things mentioned above. You will have to be even more purposeful about showing support for your husbands parenting in front of your children and for talking positively about him when he is not there. You need to rebuild their respect for him, as you rebuild yours.

You are loved and covered by God’s amazing Grace. The Holy Spirit is your helper. Lean on Him and be blessed!

A Real life Illustration:

I watched a couple we know well, experience what I have described here, in a way that solidified my understanding.

This couple are not Christian and were not married. They had a child together, and from the moment this precious baby was born, the tension between the couple was evident. The father could not do one thing right in the eyes of the mother. He withdrew to an extent, but grew angry, too – and was resistant to any suggestions she made. They constantly bickered over anything to do with their child. It was hard to watch, but the chasm between them widened until they finally split up. Interestingly, though, after the split, each parent had the child for 50 percent of the time. Was the father a bumbling idiot, not knowing how to parent? Quite the opposite. With no-one to criticise and undermine, he parented excellently and responsibly. I wonder how different their relationship might have been, had she left him to parent his way?