An overlooked, essential quality
At the age of 45, in a long telephone conversation with my sister, we unearthed the unlikely importance of loyalty. In our family home of origin, we could see the lack of loyalty and how it affected our relationships for the worse. Our parents did the best they could and loved us, so this is no reflection on them. Rather this is how we can avoid repeating the same mistakes…which as we had the conversation, I realised I had been doing.
Loyalty:
noun
- The state or quality of being loyal. synonym: fidelity.
- A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection.
- The state or quality of being loyal; devotion to a sovereign or a superior; fidelity in duty, service, love, etc.; firm allegiance; constancy. (according to The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.)
Loyalty means FIRM ALLEGIANCE to someone. DEVOTION to them. Being a CONSTANT SUPPORT.
This manifests in our lives is when we:
- stick up for a loved one,
- take their side,
- see their point of view
- are their ally
This does not necessarily apply to arbitrary relationships, but to our closest loved ones; our husband, children, friends and family. And Loyalty is tested, not so much in the easy times of life, but in the hard and the challenging and the hurt filled, conflicted times.
How does Loyalty look:
Listening to a loved one, and empathising. Understanding how it looked and FELT to them. Reflecting with supportive comments. Asking questions to understand more. “Oh yes, I can totally see how that made you feel.” “That does seem undeserved”. “That does seem uncalled for”.”Well, it seems to me that you handled it well under the circumstances.” “That was a wise way to manage that” etc.
How Loyalty doesn’t look:
Taking the side of the “other” party. Explaining how your loved one could have handled it better. Justifying why the other party would have done or said that. “Well, you do have a tendency to forget.” “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.” “Maybe you just got him at a bad time.” “Are you sure you explained yourself properly?”
In other words – you are showing loyalty to the other party.
I know how to do this because I’ve done it. To my husband when he’s having trouble with one of the children. To my children, when they are having difficulty with a friend, workmate or lecturer, and even to friends when they have needed my support.
Our motive, especially as mothers, is not always bad. We are constantly training our children to be kind and responsible and so we look at any “problem” confided in us, as an opportunity to TEACH them – to remind them to look at it from the other person’s point of view; to be NICE; to get along with everybody… We even see the problem we need to FIX. We are trying to be helpful. But this is purely harmful.
The Danger
Our loved ones are investing their emotional energy and confidence in us, when they bring something to us which is weighing heavily on them. They are coming to us in vulnerability and weakness. And they need us to be their firm and sure support. We exasperate them when we stamp on those tender emotions with our practical replies and logical answers. And they learn that since our loyalty lies elsewhere, we are not a safe landing place for their broken hearts. When we constantly side with “others”, we teach our loved ones that they are unimportant and lack value in our lives. I know how this feels. I’ve had it done to me, and it has led to some very fractured, shallow relationships.
What to do?
Perhaps there is advice which could be given. Perhaps there is a viewpoint which has been overlooked. But now is NOT the time. And it may not be the time for a very long time. Right now, when your loved one bears their heart and soul to you – no matter how seemingly insignificant it may seem to you – hold it gently in your hands, and see their fragility, tenderness and vulnerability. Respond with love, care and compassion. Show that you are for them, and you have their back.
