Is Life Stringing you along?

Below is a photo of my second son that hangs in our home. Most people comment on how sweet it is. But to me it is quite poignant. Another lesson learned. This photo was taken at “play group” when he was only 2 years old. I would drop him at play group twice a week for 4 hours. The theory was that he would socialise, learn to separate from me, and grow in confidence. The reality was that he HATED it. And because he hated it, so did I. In fact I spent all of the time that he was away emotional, and counting down until I could pick him up again. Whenever I dropped him off, he would cry and cling and would need to be pried off me. They said he was fine after I left, and I’m sure he was. But I didn’t really want him to be just “fine”.

This photo is significant, because when I look at it, I see his sad eyes. And I know that for my child I did the wrong thing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not beating myself up over it. God’s grace is sufficient, and my son has zero recollection whatsoever of this time. He was not damaged for life – or even for a week. But I followed what every one was doing around me. And it may very well have been the best thing for them. But I did not question if it was the right thing for me, or the right thing for my son. And that is what disappoints me, and teaches me and spurs me on to do better.

(On a lighter note…other children would have their dummies or “blankies” to keep them comforted, but the only days that my son would be relatively content to say goodbye to me, was when he took his “plug in” with him – a 20m electrical extension cord on a reel with a handle that weighed at least 5 kilograms!)

Although I know, looking back, that my choice was wrong for us – I will not walk around with regret. One of my wonderful friends always reminds me, “You can’t put an old head on young shoulders.” And she’s right. I did the best I knew how to, then. But I want you to know more now than I did. Don’t let life string you along. Question EVERYTHING. Why am I doing this? Why are we doing it like this?

Didn’t they realise?

From the 10th century, the Chinese performed painful and debilitating foot binding practices on their young daughters between the ages of 4 and 9, to achieve feet that were only 3 inches long. If your feet were too much longer than that, you were considered unfit for marriage. When we look at this today it seems unfathomable that anyone could think this practice a good idea, and yet it lasted 1000 years!

The Victorian Corset, made with whale bone and drawn tight over the waist area, was thought essential to exaggerate a narrow waist and give an “hourglass” figure, extending the torso, and raising the bust. They could restrict breathing, limit digestion and cause curvature of the ribs and spine. We shake our heads at the thought…but this practice lasted for some 400 years!

The Story of the Pot Roast

A young woman was hosting a dinner party for her friends and served a delicious pot roast.  One of her friends enjoyed it so much that she asked for the recipe, and the young woman wrote it down for her.

Upon looking over the recipe, her friend inquired, “Why do you cut both ends off the roast before it is prepared and put in the pan?” The young woman replied, “I don’t know. I cut the ends off because I learned this recipe from my mom and that was the way she had always done it.”

Her friend’s question got the young woman thinking and so the next day she called her mom to ask her: “Mom, when we make the pot roast, why do we cut off and discard the ends before we set it in the pan and season it?” Her mom quickly replied, “That is how your grandma always did it and I learned the recipe from her.”

Now the young woman was really curious, so she called her elderly grandma and asked her the same question: “Grandma, I often make the pot roast recipe that I learned from mom and she learned from you. Why do you cut the ends off the roast before you prepare it?”

The grandmother thought for a while, since it had been years since she made the roast herself, and then replied, “I cut them off because the roast was always bigger than the pan I had back then. I had to cut the ends off to make it fit.” (story from Debbie Steinbock, Mindful Family Medicine)

The point of these 3 illustrations is that we can tend go through life blindly. Doing what is culturally and socially acceptable without ever really questioning why we are doing it.

Get out the magnifying glass

I have learned to step back from the day-to-day routine, the treadmill of life, the hustle and bustle, and look at it from the outside. Turn it around and examine it from all angles. To think outside the box. To ask….is there something I am missing? And wherever I feel a stirring from the Holy Spirit in the form of a sense of imbalance, disquiet, unrest, or agitation…whether in myself or my children or in relationship with those around me, I take careful stock:

• ongoing stress or anxiety
• a feeling of constant overwhelm
• continual ill health
• constant tiredness
• disturbed sleep patterns
• fractious relationships
• unexplained behaviours

are indicators that you may need to stop and rethink the patterns and choices in your life.

Glean information

Watch families around you who seem to have good relationships and are content. Ask questions. Read about different families and different time periods. Read missionary stories, biographies, and Christian parenting and marriage books. Speak to like minded friends and have robust conversation. (Amish and historical novels (Little House on the Prairie for example) are so popular – and most likely because the way of life is so counter cultural.) Take note of family relationships in the Bible. We can learn much from these. And watch your own family and take notice of what you see.

Lay it all out before The Lord

Take it to The Lord in prayer. He knows His design for you, your unique children and His unique purpose for your life. Assess and reassess periodically

Consider

• your priorities
• the time given to things of The Lord
• how you use the time he has given you
• how you use finances, and the importance finances play in your life
• your relationships and your availability for conversations and quality time
• your work choices
• your home choices
• choices around education
• what you do for recreation
• your hobbies and extra curricular activities
• screen time

Is there harmony in these areas? Does the practicality of what we are actually doing align with God’s will for us, or just the world around us? What is our family mission statement? What are we as parents trying to do? Are we headed in the right direction or are we off-course? Does God see this the way I see it? Am I seeing it through His eyes?

Are we living life by default or intentionally?

Are we so busy on the hamster wheel of life that we don’t get to taste, savour and enjoy the life we are living?

String the beads – intentionally

I found it helpful to consider our goals.

My husband and I desire to leave a faith legacy for generations to come. That we may glorify our Lord Jesus Christ and impact the world around us. We may never see any fruit of this, but this is where our heart and treasure lie. And so we found it useful to measure the choices we made against that purpose.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 4 (NIV)

Goals and outcomes will not always be clearcut, and we will have very little control – but The Lord will honour us when we live in reverence to Him and we surrender these to Him. We can focus on being faithful and intentional with all the resources He has given us. If we are faithful to His covenant, his salvation extends to our children’s children. I can think of nothing more valuable in all the world.

But the love of the Lord remains forever

    with those who fear him.

His salvation extends to the children’s children

¹⁸     of those who are faithful to his covenant,

    of those who obey his commandments!

Psalm 103:17 – 18 (NLT)

What are your goals as a family? What do you want your children to say when they look back at their childhood. What kind of relationships do you desire to have with your husband in 10 years time? What character traits do you want to instill in your children? Are you managing to do that with your current pace of life and focus?

Hand select each pearl. Be fussy. Is it fit for purpose? Keep it. If it is flawed, or doesn’t suit – discard it. String each chosen pearl delicately by hand and knot it carefully before stringing on the next one. This is the way a fine pearl necklace is strung. Each pearl is secure and protected from being rubbed on, or crowded by the one next to it. And if a break should happen, the whole string won’t fall apart. Carefully select your “what” and “how”. Don’t let what is important to your family be irritated or pushed along. Create a secure and gleaming treasure for generations to come.

Your family

Only you can know what is right for your family and it may look very different than what is right for another family. Don’t be afraid to be different.

And yet – what is right for your family may look exactly like everyone else and still be very different in essence – because of the small changes and purposeful choices. Your family will be oozing with health, happiness, holiness and harmony. (Our hope!)

Don’t get strung along by life, never questioning why you are doing what you are doing – only to wonder when your children are grown, where all the time went.

Stop long enough to look with fresh eyes, and let The Lord lead you and your family in a blessed and purposeful way.

Prayer

Lord Jesus,

Bless the dear mother who is reading this right now. Her heart is for You, her family and being faithful with what you have given her.

Open her eyes to anything she needs to have them opened to. Guide her to keep what is good and discard what is useless in your eyes. That her family may live life – on purpose – to bring glory to you.

Holy Spirit, speak and lead this woman in the fear and wisdom of The Lord.

In Jesus name we pray,

AMEN