Part 2 in the Friendship series

This post is for you – if you are in a dry season of friendship.

Perhaps you have :

• moved to a new town, state, country or continent and have left long, comfortable friendships behind.
• tended to “go it alone” and are unsure of how to connect with other women and work towards meaningful friendships
• been hurt in friendship and are reluctant to get hurt again

but you have read my first post in the Friendship series Why women NEED friends and you realise friendship is worthwhile and necessary!

What you need to know up front

1. Good friendships take years to develop, so a slow and measured pace, attitude and mindset are ESSENTIAL. Friendships made hastily will be lost easily.
2. A friend will not fulfil your needs. A friend is a sinner just like you. Your needs (love, affirmation, approval, sense of self worth) must all be met by Jesus alone.
3. Not all friendships will be of the deep and flourishing kind. There are many different levels of friendship, and that’s ok. Hold friendships made, with an open hand, trusting The Lord to develop them in His time and in His way.
4. Making friends is up to YOU. Do not expect other people to initiate conversation, or invite you to join in with groups, gatherings or events. Although it would be lovely if they did – having this expectation of others is going to set you up for failure and possibly make you bitter. So let that thought go, and take on this responsibility yourself.

Simple steps for connecting with other women

Where?

Since you would like to meet women with values and life stages in common, start in your church. Young adult’s Bible Study, Mother’s groups, creche, feeding room, women’s breakfasts, craft mornings, prayer meetings. If you are homeschooling, get to know other homeschooling mums by joining the local homeschooling group (social media, co-op). If your children are at school, make conversation with other mums at sports or school events. If you have a hobby you enjoy, consider taking a couple of classes or joining a group and meeting people that way. If you don’t usually engage in any of these things, now is the time to start. Put yourself in positions where you will be able to meet and have conversations with other Christian women with zero expectations.

How?

Smile. Ask a question – “Have you been coming to …. for long?” Listen to the answer and ask another question. Introduce yourself. Nervousness makes us inclined to talk about ourselves. Keep focused on the other person, and be interested in them. Over the next weeks, try to talk to different people and continue conversations with those you have already met. These conversations are likely to remain surface level, but after a few conversations, and a few weeks, may get slightly deeper. Your expectations remain zero. Use this time to OBSERVE. Who seems to have similar values, and core beliefs, marriage and parenting goals? Also notice any indicators of caution – excessive complaining, an inclination to gossip or talk about others when they aren’t around (including husbands). Friendships shape us, and so we should choose wisely who we wish to spend more time with.

What next?

When you have identified a few ladies that seem easy to talk to, and who seem to enjoy your company, and who you feel would feed positively into your life, suggest meeting for tea, or getting together for your children to have time to play, or meeting for a walk in the local park. Exchange numbers and ask them to message you with a day and time when they have had time to look at their schedule. This shows that you respect that they are busy, and you are also leaving the ball in their court. If they don’t message, keep up your connection at church, or other connection point, but don’t pursue further meetings. Be brave. Just because one person doesn’t want to meet up with you does not mean you have been rejected. Each person has all kinds of things going on in their life, that we cannot know or understand. Get to know others, and try meeting 2 or 3 of them at a coffee shop at the same time. Persevere. Women are reluctant to get involved in new friendships that might take up time and energy. But the longer they get to know you in brief, undemanding conversation, the more they will trust that you aren’t expecting too much from them. This may take 6 months from your initial conversation. Keep your expectations realistic.

My story

When we moved to Australia, I left established, lifetime friendships, and came to a land where I only knew 3 people. My brother in law, and my aunt and uncle. I have kept up my treasured friendships across the miles, in different time zones, but I needed friends in my “new” life. I had made up my mind that cultivating friendships was my responsibility, and my children were at school at that stage. I would get to school a little early for drop off and pick up, and linger with the other parents and have a brief chat. I joined the “mums who pray” group at the school and got to know other christian mums. We went to church and chatted to people after the service. I invited mums to bring their children over to our home to play, or met with them in the park. Once I got to know a few women, I suggested starting a Christian book club one morning a week. We all pooled our books, and read and discussed them. This eventually became a Bible Study and prayer group. We then moved towns – 2 and a half hours away and I started all over again. In our new town, I joined the church craft group and got to know wonderful ladies there. I eventually started a Bible Study in my home and invited the women I had become friendly with to join me.

But even though I now had 8-10 friends and acquaintances, I was very lonely for close, connected friendships. I spoke to my husband about my loneliness. I missed my friends in South Africa. Together, we prayed about it. And SLOWLY, in time, after about 5 years; 4 – 5 of those friendships gradually became the beautiful, close and meaningful relationships and I had been praying for.

Friendship cannot be forced. Like a good wine, it needs time to develop and mature.

“According to a study from the University of Kansas, it takes oodles of time to build a friendship. It takes 40–60 hours of friend time to move from “acquaintance” to “casual friend”, 80–100 more hours to become a “simple friend” and 200 hours to build a close friendship.”(Susan Sullivan, Green Home DIY)

Tips for taking it slowly

• Take a long view.
• Cultivate many friendships simultaneously. Don’t “zone in” on anyone.
• Don’t be shallow, but don’t share too deeply too soon
• Meet in group situations initially, as much as possible, until you get to know more about each other.
• Space your meetings healthily. Living in each other’s pockets spells disaster.
• Pray for your friend and your friendship.
• Let go of fading or reluctant friendships.
• Don’t hold too tightly to relationships that hold promise, for fear you squeeze the life out of them!
• Trust The Lord!