BRINGING UP TEENAGERS IN A CHANGING WORLD – Part 1.
A lot has changed since our three sons were teenagers. They didn’t have access to the internet, their own computers, laptops, or smart phones; However, many things are common no matter what era teenagers are in. If we have already built a good foundation based on love, family togetherness and thoughtful discipline, we are well on the way to being able to handle the teen years effectively. These years can be challenging for parents, but it’s helpful to remember that they also bring major changes for our young people. They are developing a sense of identity, are also thinking more seriously about what they want to do with their lives and learning how to express their emotions. We need to show them unconditional love, respect and support.
In some ways, my husband and I had it easy as we only had sons. They were close in age and enjoyed doing things together. They were 16, 13, and 12 years old when we returned from PNG (Papua New Guinea) where they had enjoyed a wonderful childhood. However, they found it challenging settling into life in a country high school where most of the students seemed to have come from families that had been in the area for generations. Our boys had been in international primary and high schools where their fellow students came from all parts of the world. It was only in later years that we fully realised how difficult this move had been for them. During that time my husband and I came across the DiSC behavioural profiles (similar in some ways to Meyers Briggs personality profiles) and we were able to understand each son better. For example, our eldest son tended to exaggerate things but we soon realised that this was part of his creative personality. This same son frustrated us with his lazy approach to school work which resulted in poor results that didn’t reflect his ability. But we have a faithful and loving God, and after a lot of prayer, eventually our son found his niche studying industrial design at university. He has become a very successful industrial designer and businessman. I am so thankful that each of our sons has found his niche in life and is doing well.
Since my sons are now fathers of teenagers and young adults, I’ve asked them for some reflections on their own teen years and also for some tips on what they have found helpful as fathers of teens. One of the things they really appreciated about their teen years was their dad spending time with them.
Actually my husband was very deliberate about this—at one time taking a lesser paid job so that he would have less time away and could spend time with them on the BMX track. Our sons and their sons still ride bikes together from time to time, though more recently, it’s four wheel driving. Restoring an old classic Ford Falcon Coupé together with their dad as young teenagers was another memorable learning and bonding experience.
Life with teenagers doesn’t always go smoothly. Sometimes teens can feel powerless, especially if life is full of rules at home as well as at school. Never-the-less, it’s important to set boundaries and consequences. This could be done in discussion with the teens. If your teenager breaks an agreed-upon rule, it’s important to handle the situation calmly and finish off with an assurance of your love for them. Our sons feel strongly about this in relation to their own teenagers and I feel they have each been able to find the balance between showing love and respect for their teenagers, correcting them when necessary and letting them know that they are loved unconditionally. I remember our sons as teenagers commenting that they actually appreciated the boundaries we set after seeing some of their friends being left to their own devices. Appropriate boundaries can give teenagers a sense of security when they realise why their parents have put them in place. The unconditional love, time and respect that went into our relationship long ago has come full circle and we enjoy a close relationship with our sons and their families today.
I plan to write more on this topic in my next Gem, but I’ll close with a comment one of my sons passed on to me—”home should be the most important place in a teenager’s life“.
With God’s help your home can be that. Keep working on it with Him!
Grandma Adele
