Become a better communicator
In my post https://therefinedmother.com/overcome-overwhelm-the-first-step/, I mentioned some areas we can look at to help overcome the overwhelmed feeling we so often have as wives and mothers. One of the steps is to communicate better. In our overwhelmed state (and even on a pretty normal day) we can have our minds swirling with irritated thoughts and frustrations :
- Surely he can see that needs to be done
- Why can’t they just…
- If only someone would…
- I have too much on my plate
- I don’t know how I’m going to get to it all
- I guess if I want it done, I’ll have to do it myself
- Well here I am again… in the kitchen while everyone else relaxes
I’m sure you could add a few other thoughts. I confess to having thought all of these at some time or another. Unfortunately these thoughts all reek of self pity, which we know to be sinful. And so we need to STOP these thoughts in their tracks and change direction!
“Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought.”
Romans 12:3
When we dwell on thoughts of self pity we are elevating ourselves and our own “feelings” above everyone around us and allowing our thoughts of injustice to dictate to our emotions.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
We lay aside our self pitying thoughts and act in faith on The Word of God – we know He is working for good.
The truth about the cycle of overwhelm, self pity and poor communication
These three aspects feed into each other more than you would realise. The less you make your expectations clear, the more you feel sorry for yourself, the bigger your workload seems, and the more overwhelmed you feel. The more overwhelmed you are, the less likely you are to be able to make sense of your feelings, and the less likely you are to be able to make someone else understand how you are feeling. This leads to you feeling more alone in your struggle, sorrier for yourself, and more overwhelmed. Can you identify with this at all? I know I can.
Three Steps to stop the cycle and to begin communicating more clearly
1. STOP and lay it out before The Lord
I find it really helpful to spend at least 3 to 5 days pouring out my specific complaints to The Lord. Even better – write them down. There really is no rush. I know we are not supposed to complain…but as we see above – we are anyway!…So best we start to deal with it. Writing everything out or bringing it before the Lord over a few days helps us to gain a clearer perspective of what exactly we are struggling with. The list of 30 things on day one, eventually consolidates into something more specific…often becoming just a short list of one or two things or a core attitude that is affecting you. For instance, you might find that your actual issue is, “I feel taken for granted”, or “I feel unsupported”, or “I feel unappreciated”. Or it may be more practical, “I need a hand with the children in the evenings,”; “I am struggling to fit everything into the day”; “I feel alone in disciplining the children”, etc. During these days of pray-complaining with the list of 30 (or 100!) things, ask God to help you discern truth from lie, as you look at each thing. Examine your heart to see if you are wielding a critical spirit, or a spirit of discontentment. Count your blessings. Become more aware of the lives of those around you. Write a list of things that others in your household or family/friends have on their plate. I would often forget the responsibilities my husband was carrying while I was sadly navel gazing – car services and cleaning and maintenance, bank balancing, account paying, pool cleaning, rubbish putting out and many many other things. Even friends that you might be hoping would be more helpful have a lot going on in their lives. Spend time really envisioning what they have before them each day, and pray for each of them and thank God for the ways in which you are helped.
This process will help you isolate the core issues. It takes the swirl out of your head and the muddle out of your heart.
Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
Matthew 26:41
Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.
Colossians 4:2
2. The “issue” is identified. Ask God for help
You have narrowed down what you are struggling with. Now what to do about it? Ask The Lord to show you. Is this something that you are required to do in service to your family? Is this an unrealistic expectation that you have? Is this something that you need to communicate with someone?
There is a very fine line here, that most of us have difficulty with. When is it time to lay down your life for another and when is it time for clear communication?
I have found it helpful to pray that The Lord would grant me peace if it is not something I need to raise in conversation. I surrender it to Him as much as I possibly can, and then if I still feel troubled, over a period of time, I ask him for guidance as to how to bring the topic up in conversation.
Most of us are very reluctant to communicate about things that are affecting us because we
- feel very strongly about the issue and our emotions surface easily
- are nervous that the depth or importance of this “issue” will be missed by the listener
- are worried we won’t be taken seriously
- fear being misunderstood
- fear the conflict that might arise.
However: The importance of communication in relationships cannot be overstated. We cannot be avoiders of good communication because we are fearful! We must ask The Lord to help us and we must surrender the outcome fully. In other words, all of the above could happen, and potentially nothing might change…but we trust The Lord with the outcome, totally.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head,that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15
3. Speak the truth – in love
Now that you have identified the root issue, or the help or support that you would like, and have prayed about it, approach the person you need to talk to and ask them when would be a good time to have serious conversation. This is important, as they need to be in the right frame of mind, with specifically allocated, uninterrupted time. You can give them some idea as to what you want to talk about, to alleviate any anxiety as they anticipate the conversation: ” When would be a good time to talk to you about some things that have been on my mind? I’ll only need half an hour.” or ” Would it be possible to talk to you this evening after the children are in bed? I need to ask you for help with some things.”
When you begin talking,
*Start with your position of love and appreciation for the other person.
*Talk about your problem using “I” sentences and never “you” sentences.
*Be respectful.
*Be calm and state your position as simply and clearly as you can. For example, ” Darling, I so appreciate you and all the things you do for our family. You are such an excellent provider and work so hard. I am hoping you can help me with something I am struggling with. I am really finding the evenings overwhelming with juggling cooking and bath time and managing the children when they are so tired and irritable with one another. I could really do with some help around then…..”
A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.
Proverbs 17:27 (NLT)
*Listen to their response to understand their position, without interrupting.
fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions
Proverbs 18:2 (NIV)
Hopefully the listener responds warmly and helpfully, and a constructive and practical conversation follows.
Be prepared, that often, the conversation will not go as you plan. I don’t say this to discourage you – only so that you go in with realistic expectations. I know this from experience. Our emotions might get the better of us. The listener may become defensive. They may even go on the offensive and attack us with a verbal barrage. They may become emotional.
Because we have prayed, and asked God to be with us, we need to take ownership of our part in the conversation, and not take responsibility for how the other person responds. We can restate anything that was misunderstood, but then it may be wise to let it go. “I’m sorry if what I said upset you. Think about it and let’s chat more when you have had time to consider it.”
Keeping quiet is a good option to keep from speaking in anger.
Keep in mind that your words must build up and not bring down.
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (NIV).
Ephesians 4:29
That sounds very easy, when in reality, feelings are hurt and emotions are in turmoil. Trust God. Give it time and revisit the issue when you are both calm. I have spoken with many women who have raised things with their husbands only to have them respond very defensively. Husbands, in particular, often feel vulnerable and bruised at the thought that they may be doing something “wrong”. They feel criticised. But most of these women also say that after a cooling off period ( a few hours to a few days), their husbands are in a better position to understand and see their perspective. And once you get to this place, you will be glad you persevered and your relationship will be closer. You will feel less overwhelmed, and more understood.
Communication is God’s idea and it is always worth it – if done prayerfully and wisely – for maintaining healthy and deep relationships.
BUT:
If you are in a relationship where resolution is never reached and you are always avoiding truthful conversation, you may need to look at meeting with a trained counsellor to help address your communication.
And yet, we surrender
The person we communicate with, may also not come around to understand our point of view, and this we already surrendered, in Step 2, going into the discussion. Christ is sufficient to meet all our needs. And in this instance, perhaps The Lord has a different solution. Communication is not ever about getting our way. It is seeking to understand, and be understood. And so even if the outcome is not what you hoped for, trust The Lord for what He has chosen to reveal to you through this.
Don’t misunderstand – It would never have been wrong to communicate…it’s how we “know” and are “known”. If done following Biblical principles as described above, it’s how Godly relationships are forged and maintained.
