TEACH your child to be a great FRIEND

Part 5 in the Friendship series

The importance of childhood friendship

I had a very best friend all through my childhood. We did everything together and are still friends today. I realised once I got married the role that friendship had played in preparing me for marriage. We had made ourselves some “rules” as young children…a kind of pact if you like…which we took seriously and absolutely stuck to. We could never tell a lie to each other. We could never keep secrets. And we could never break secrets we shared with one another. In this day and age, the word “secret” has many negative connotations…but my point is that through this friendship of many years, we learned how to develop trust in another person and how to be a trustworthy, loyal person ourselves. This made it very easy for me when I got married to carry these same “rules” into marriage. It was second nature and has resulted in a very honest and trustworthy marriage. Not to mention that it set me up to have other wonderful friendships, too.

Social anxiety is prevalent today, and we can help our children encounter stress free social situations by preparing them adequately. Setting your children up for success will go a long way towards alleviating anxiety in social settings and helping your child to have healthy friendships which are so healthy for us.

Our children won’t care how much we know unless they know how much we care

This post is encouraging you to coach and teach your children how to be a friend. This can only happen in a warm, accepting and communicative relationship. If that’s not where you are at right now, I would suggest you work on developing that kind of relationship with your child as a matter of priority, and come back to this teaching once that is established. A brief hint for getting your relationship closer and warmer, is to “Seek first to understand, before being understood.” (Steven R. Covey, “Seven habits of Highly Effective People) That is…ask questions, invest time and genuine interest and try to understand instead of always doing the talking (and judging).

Taught rather than Caught

As we model good friendships to our children, we set a wonderful example of what healthy friendships look like. It’s simply not enough, however, to leave it there. In the same way that we can make our own bed each morning, but our children will not naturally begin making theirs! We have to be intentional to teach them the skills needed and train them…and its the same with friendship!

Some children are more naturally inclined to be caring and considerate friends, but all children from age 4 all the way through the teenage years will benefit will benefit from being taught, and then reminded of the following friendship skills;

11 Friendship skills to teach your child:

The importance of being yourself
What to look for in a friend
How to approach a new child
How to make good conversation
Engaging in good social body language
Things to do with a friend
Implementing boundaries with friends
How to be a reliable friend
How to be a well balanced friend
How to be a trustworthy friend
How to be a life-giving friend

1. The importance of being YOURSELF

Ensure your child knows that they have been made in God’s image by His perfect design. Talk about how we are all different but can enjoy each others differences. Look at different strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, interests, character traits within the family and how they make your family special. Help your child to understand their strengths, weaknesses, interests and personality traits. Remind them that people will be drawn to them because of who they are and they should never try to be something different to try impress everyone. I find it helpful when I see someone acting in a way that is not true to themselves, to discuss it with my children afterwards. Although this seems irreverent, they need training to spot insincerity in real life and know how unappealing it is, so that they endeavour to be sincere and authentic in all they do. People are drawn to those who are content and secure in themselves. Point these kind of people out, too. Humility is a powerful and attractive character trait – we are humble when we can recognise our own weaknesses and imperfections, and easily extend grace to one another. So at all times, remind your children, “just be yourself”.

2. What to look for in a friend

Have conversations with your child about children they are already friends with and children they know. Find out who they enjoy spending time with and then help them understand why. Children don’t always realise why they are drawn to some children more than others. “It sounds as though you enjoy Johnny because he is kind and shares.” ” It seems to me that you enjoy spending time with Ella because you both share an interest in horses.” These conversations help them to see which friends they feel comfortable with, and have much in common with. And conversely, discuss what kinds of friends they might not like to have… friends who use bad language, are “bossy” or demanding, say mean things to others or choose not to follow rules. Help your children to observe others before deciding whether or not they would like to be friends with them (though they should always be “friendly” to everyone!). These conversations start young, but continue all the way through school, evolving as your child gets older. The aim is to help our children evaluate their friendships, understand what it takes to be a good friend themselves and to be able to openly discuss all of this with us.

3. How to approach a new child

It is not easy, even as adults to approach someone for the first time. It is no easier for our children, who are often a lot more self-conscious than we realise. Young children could do with some strategies like: “Ask her if she would like to play on the swings with you”, or “Ask him if he would like to play with your toy truck.” But as children get older it gets a little trickier. Teach your child how to introduce themselves properly, ” Hi, My name is Alan. What’s yours?” Then teach them a few follow up questions and sentences…”Have you been to this church before? “, ” Would you like to come and play ball with us?”

And with teens – teach them a few more questions to ask, ” Which church did you go to before?” ” Do you live nearby?” ” We have a youth room downstairs if you would like to go there with me and I can introduce you to the other kids.”

ROLE PLAY these scenarios in a lighthearted way with your children to help them gain confidence and teach them to maintain EYE CONTACT. When a situation arises, help your child – and afterwards when at home, praise them for their boldness and kindness even if they really struggled and it didn’t go that well. These kind of interactions are extremely hard and often embarrassing for children so we want to set them up to experience success and then affirm them well, to help them gain confidence in interacting with new people.

4. How to make good conversation

This was a skill I deliberately taught my children and role played scenarios with them. One of my sons had told me how hard it was to talk to one particular friend who had come to play. We discussed why this was, and came to the conclusion that his penchant for one word answers killed any conversation, once the question asker had run out of questions!

This prompted me to talk with my children about being good conversationalists. When we break it down, any conversation is a series of questions and answers. We need to teach our children how to answer questions, ask questions and show active listening skills. I taught them when they were very young, the simple skill of answering and then reflecting back a similar question:

“Which school do you go to?”

” I go to the school down the road. Which school do you go to?”

or if an adult asked the question, a slight variation would be:”Where did you go to school when you were my age?”

As children get older teach them how to reflect back what they have heard to show they are paying attention,”Oh, the big school down the road? how long have you been going there for?”

Practice adult: child scenarios and Child:child scenarios. The aim is to keep the conversation flowing for as long as possible. Conversely, role play killing the conversation by giving one word answers to illustrate the point in a fun way. You will be so pleased you spent time teaching this skill – one that is so often overlooked, but an essential life skill for all of life!

5. Engaging in good social body language

Eye contact is body language we can teach from as early as a child can ask for something or say “thank-you”. Always encourage them to “look at my eyes” and ask before you give them what they need and encourage them to “look at Granny’s/Daddy’s/etc eyes” and say “Thank – you”. Making eye contact will become second nature and is a key to good communication.

Teach your children open and closed body language. When our arms are folded or our body is angled away from somebody we are showing them a “closed” body. This indicates defensiveness and does not foster warm communication or relationships. Show them how an “open” body posture is angled toward the person, with arms unfolded and with a slight body lean toward the person. This posture shows an interest, warmth and openness towards the other person that fosters comfortable communication.

Body language in a group is an important skill for even young children to consider. When a group of friends is stand-in in a group together, remind your child to always be conscious of keeping the circle open to everyone. Often we start talking to one or two friends, and inadvertently turn our back on someone, making them feel excluded from the group. Teach your child to be aware of anyone new that may come, seeking to join the group, and to step back to allow that person into the circle. I spoke about this with my children when they were teenagers as I noticed how teens could feel excluded from group situations. I noticed my teen sons at church practicing these skills, to include everyone. It is a skill that can definitely be taught from earlier though.

6. Things to do with a friend

As a child, my best friend and I never found it difficult to amuse ourselves, but her mother was amazing at giving us great ideas to stimulate our imaginative play. “Imagine you are the last 2 survivors after a giant earthquake…” would have us constructing branch houses and creating imaginary food and “fishing” in the tiny stream at the bottom of the garden. I would always give my children a few ideas of what they could do with a friend when they came over to visit. It’s amazing how children can forget all the fun things there are to do, in an instant when a friend is over to play. I would remind them:

when Joe comes over, you could:

play lego
draw
play on your skateboards
play cricket
ride bikes
jump on the trampoline
build a fort with the blankets/ tarp/ palm fronds etc.

They would feel more confident with a few ideas up their sleeve and soon be off playing happily.

With my teens, I would also give some ideas – you could invite your friends over for a fire pit evening, board games, volley ball, fondue, swim. You could get them to help you fix… mend…bake…practice…”

By offering suggestions and setting an example you are helping your children develop the skills of being a good host, and ensuring that friendships are nurtured happily during these times spent together. Bored children are not fun to have around and end up irritating each other…and you!

(Extra tip – I made sure that my children and their friends knew that technology of any sort was NOT an option at our house. This killed any thought or conversation of technology, and enabled them to get on with real play)

7. Implementing boundaries with friends

All of us need our own boundaries of what we are and aren’t comfortable with, and what we are and aren’t ok with. Our children won’t even spare a thought in this direction and that is exactly why we need to talk about these limits with them. We should make sure that our children first of all know what their boundaries are at home, in regard to: language, manners, TV shows, movies, Video games, safety, physical touch, food etc. We need to make sure that they understand that the boundaries set for them at home apply when they have friends over, or are at a friends’ house, unless we specify something different (I’m okay with you eating party food this afternoon since its a celebration and doesn’t happen often. Janes mum is going to let you watch a movie that is PG even though our rule is that you only watch G rated movies. I’m ok with that as I have watched it and think it is a lovely movie for you to watch.”

Teach your children how to be politely firm about their boundaries. And give them some phrases, ” No thanks, I’m not allowed to swim if no adults are watching me.” ” No thanks, I’m not allowed to play that video game.” And teach them that if they can’t summon up the courage to say no to a friend’s parents, to ask them, “Would you mind calling my mum to ask her if I’m allowed to watch that?” I was always happy for my kids to make me the “fall guy” for anything they felt uncomfortable doing.

Teach them some ways to stand up for what they believe with their friends – ” I don’t like it when you say, “Jesus” like that. He is my friend. Would you mind not saying that when I am with you? “

If a friend suggests an activity that seems irresponsible or wrong, help them realise they have the strength, with the help of The Holy Spirit to stand firm.

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I would rather go and play on the swings.” If their friend insists or ignores their protests, they merely turn and walk towards a different area or activity.

Ensure your child knows what appropriate and inappropriate touches and how to say No loudly and go and tell someone if something happens to make them feel uncomfortable.

These conversations can happen incrementally the more your child is going to play at friend’s houses without you there, and will form a firm foundation for them to set boundaries as teens and young adults.

I found it really helpful to chat with the host family after my children had played there. Once or twice I found out that they had played a video game that they weren’t allowed to, and then the next time they were invited I said, “No” as a consequence, and they missed out. But I would let them try again the next time after discussing the different scenarios and strategies once more. I always trusted the families my children spent time with, so I knew nothing untoward would occur, but it was great practice for my children to practice asserting themselves and determining how to remain within boundaries. Practice is essential, and they can only practice these skills, and self control when given the opportunity to be away from you and with their friends. Keep communication open. Never overreact – they are still learning, and every play date opportunity is another opportunity to strengthen their skills at setting and maintaining boundaries.

8. How to be a reliable friend

Unreliable friends are frustrating and disappointing. We know that as adults. I know of situations were a friend has been talked into holding a dinner or function, only to have the friend who suggested and pushed for the event, to be “unavailable” for it. I know my children would get excited to have friends coming to play, according to arrangements made well in advance, only to have them cancel at the last minute when something else came up.

Teach your children to think carefully before accepting invitations, and insist that they stick to plans made, even if something seemingly “better” comes up. Teach them to be prompt to reply to text messages, and to reply early to invitations. Teach them the importance of being someone who does what they say they are going to do. This kind of character trait is valued in personal life and in career pathways. Practicing in friendship is an excellent way to develop this trait from a young age.

If your child says that they will – call someone, visit someone, take something for someone, or help with something – walk alongside them to teach them to keep to their commitments.

9. How to be a well balanced friend

A well balanced friend has their own identity and value in Jesus. They are independent of their friend, and as such, give them space to be their own person, pursue their own interests and other friendships. Help your child to see when they are being too needy of their friend, or if they are becoming too dependant on them. Teach them to be truly happy for their friend when they succeed and never to be jealous. Talk about love as it is described in 1 Corinthians 13…relating it to friendships. Open communication with your children will allow you to coach them well in these areas.

10. How to be a trustworthy friend

A trustworthy friend always tells the truth and never exaggerates. A trustworthy friend does not pass on any information shared in confidence. A trustworthy friend does not talk about their friend when they are not present, and a trustworthy friend is loyal to their friend at all times. Remind your children of what gossip is, and how it undermines EVERYONE’s trust in you when you are heard gossiping. Coach your children in trustworthiness. Remind them of what it looks like and how important it is in friendship.

11. How to be a life-giving friend

A life giving friend is a friend who builds up, encourages and desires the best for the other. Help your child to understand the value of a friendship is not in what they “can get” from it, but in how they can “give” to it. Life sapping friendships focus on “my needs and wants” instead of what is best for my friend and healthy for the friendship. As you practice words of affirmation and encouragement in your own home, you are setting an example of how to “edify” one another. Once again, this skill requires parents’ intentional encouragement and coaching. When your child’s friend achieves or accomplishes something, ask them how they affirmed their friend, and make some suggestions, depending on the achievement. Suggest a phonecall to say well done, or a hand written congratulatory note, a chocolate with a card attached or just a genuine spoken compliment. Teach your child the value of speaking well of someone to others when they are present – ” David, did you hear that John came second overall in the athletics meet?”

Encourage your child to always help their friend make right choices. If they are playing at a friend’s and the mum asks their child to do something, your child should help their friend to obey right away, by saying something like, “Come on, let’s do what your mum asked us to and then we can carry on playing.” Likewise, as your teen or young adult interacts with friends they should always be encouraging them to stay on the straight and narrow path, and never make it easy for them to make wrong choices by going along with them, or keeping quiet about them. Remind them that having just one friend making a good choice is usually enough to encourage others to make good choices, too.

Practice makes … it easier!

Now all you need to do, is give your children plenty of opportunities to practice by inviting friends over, organising play dates, or getting together with other families. Don’t fall into the trap of criticising shortcomings after the playdate, as this negates our encouragement for them to authentically “be themselves”. Rather praise any good skills you see, and keep communication open, to foster teachable moments. We haven’t quite perfected our skills yet…so let’s give our children loads of grace and encouragement and equip them with the necessary skills.

Listen to the podcast on this topic: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/R8H45qjnRNb