10 ways to be a LIFE GIVING friend

Part 3 of The Friendship Series

I wouldn’t know how to be a good friend if it weren’t for the amazing women God has placed in my life. I’m passionate about encouraging you to develop meaningful friendships, because of the blessing these Godly friends have been to me. I went through fiery trials a little over a year ago. It’s all still too raw and fresh for me to write about yet, but I had some life saving gifts cultivated, in the form of friendships. My friends cried right along with me, and lifted me in prayer when I could hardly think how to pray. They helped me gulp in oxygen, when I felt I couldn’t breathe. Their faithfulness, loyalty, compassion, love and steadfastness, helped keep me upright and steady. Their friendship highlighted to me that I fell short in friendship skills. I questioned whether or not I would have done the same for them. They made made me realise how much I still had to learn about being a good friend. And so, as I reflected, I took note and compiled this list for myself. But perhaps someone else, I thought, might benefit from thinking about these things too…and so here goes:

These are some of the characteristics of a Life Giving friend:

1. Your needs are met by Jesus

In order to be a stable friend who freely gives and receives in a relationship, your first friendship must be with The Lord. (see Why women NEED friends to read more about this)

2. You are Faith filled

A deep and meaningful friendship needs to be grounded in faith. All wisdom, guidance, meaning, purpose and the basis for discernment are found in The Word. A friendship without faith remains shallow and shifting. A friendship with faith is one that flourishes and grows in a continual, mutual journey to maturity and Christ mindedness.

3. You are Trustworthy

You can be trusted to keep a confidence. You value everything spoken about in your friendship as a treasure entrusted to you and you do not share this information with others. Not even under the guise of prayer requests (unless your friend has asked you to share for this purpose). Demonstrate your trustworthiness by never talking about others to this friend, either. When we gossip, we show our true tendency, and those receiving the gossip will be sure never to expect anything more from us. Be loyal to those not present. Defend them in their absence. Your friends will learn that you will be loyal to them in this way, too. And trust is built.

A perverse person stirs up conflict,

    and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)

Loyalty is an under-valued attribute, which is extremely important in friendship. Loyalty means we believe the best in our friend and stick up for them when things get tough. We are on “their team”.

4. You are Reliable

Many will say they are loyal friends,
    but who can find one who is truly reliable?

Proverbs 20:6

Do what you say you are going to do. Be committed to keeping plans that have been made. In doing this, you show that your friendship holds significance in your life.

5. You are Honest

Let every word that comes from your lips be true. If truth would be hurtful or inappropriate, don’t say it. We aren’t talking brutal honesty. We are talking about honesty that shows your integrity. Your trustworthiness. Honest in things you say, and honest about your own struggles and shortcomings as well as about your strengths. Don’t use flattery, or try to “butter up” with words. Be plainspoken and unambiguous.

6. You are compassionate

“Love your neighbour as yourself” Mark 12:31.

Truly care.

Be genuinely interested in your friend and everything that pertains to them, as it is shared with you.

This is love. A love that is not self seeking. A love that is not self serving. Listen to your friend. Put yourself aside. Think of the example Jesus gave us – to lay down one’s life for a friend.

Listen carefully. Listen empathetically. Be tender. Let your heart break for what breaks theirs. Listen without judgement. Listen with compassion and give heartfelt advice only when asked.

Celebrate when they celebrate. Be joyful when they are overjoyed. Want for them what their heart desires, and let no selfish thought muscle its way in.

Be ready to help practically if needed.

A friend loves at all times,

    and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17 (NIV)

7. You are Positive

A life giving friend has hope, expectation, contentment and joy. Being with a positive friend is energising and uplifting. A life sapping friend is continually negative, complaining, unsatisfied, and leaves the listener deflated and fatigued. Listen to yourself during conversation and reflect on how positive or negative your remarks generally were. Cultivate positive, affirming conversation. A positive friend finds the light in the darkness, and models gratitude for all things. After all, we have all we need in Jesus.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

8. You are vulnerable

Similar to humble. Opposite to proud. Being vulnerable allows your friends “in”. Let them see you in your weakness, and when you need help, and when your house is a mess, and when you are exasperated or when you are tired. While we all aspire to the unrealistic goal of “Having it all together”, acting like we do makes ourselves unrelatable. In our “perfect picture” we create unrealistic measures of “normal” for our friends (and maybe their husbands who “see” that we can “do it all” and expect the same from their wives.)

Be real. Some of us are tidy and some of us are calm, collected and organised – and that is ok. But don’t present a perfect picture when that is not the reality. Have friends over when the house is clean, but have people over when the house is a wreck. Hosting in your messy house allows others to feel that it’s ok to host in their messy house, too. Share in your good moments, but share in the bad, the hard and the difficult, too. Be human, so your friend can be human with you, too.

9. You are undemanding

Good friends do not need their friends to meet all their needs. Because of this, they do not hold unrealistic expectations of their friend or friendship. Be content with the level of friendship offered to you. Do not expect your friend to remember everything that is going on in your life, or to include you in everything they do, or to stop spending time with other friends. Do not expect your friend to keep you updated on everything in their life or to stay in constant contact with you through text or other methods of communication. Do not be overly reliant on your friend for your every problem or need. These behaviours can be interpreted as controlling or manipulative and are not conducive to a healthy friendship. If you find yourself tempted in any of these behaviours, I urge you to ask yourself if you are truly letting Jesus be your All in All.

10. You are fun to be with

When you do have time to spend together, have fun. Chat and laugh or do something together that you enjoy – bake, garden, walk, do craft together, get together for fun activities with the children, go to a coffee shop or art gallery. And come away feeling like you’ve had a wonderful rest, with a smile on your face.

Because that’s what good friendships do!

Listen to the podcast on this topic: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/2iKN21lTFNb